Current mood:

tired

Well... the issue wasn't with any of my students on Friday. It was with the teacher -- yes, the teacher for whom I was substituting -- who, in most cases, is all but unreachable.

After a little confusion with some materials I was supposed to have but didn't, I get class underway in the morning. About ten minutes in, the classroom phone rings and I pick up -- it's this woman, calling from jury duty, to check on things. Okay.

"Hi, this is Nelly."

"Oh! Hi, Nelly, how are you?"

"And who am I speaking to?"

"Uh, this is Dorklepork. Your substitute teacher. Who the fuck do you think is answering the phone, you moron?"

"How's it going? Are they behaving?!"

(Her lesson plans included me telling the kids that "terrible things would happen" if they were bad, and that I would report them to her if they gave me problems... nothing like a little negative reinforcement to get the day off to a good start.)

"Oh, fine. They're a little rowdy, but everything's fine, and now that I have that list, we're breaking into groups and getting started."

"Okay, so what have you done so far?"

"Uhh... they took the quiz, and now we're breaking into groups, just like your lesson plan says."

"You gave them the quiz?"

"Yes."

"How did that go? Did they all have the homework done?"

"It went fine. Yes, they had their homework."

"Okay, what are you doing next?"

"Like I said, I'm about to break them into groups so we can get started on the work."

"And you have the group lists?"

"Well, yes. I didn't at first, but I do now, so I'm going to get star--"

"Okay, call me if you have any problems. Let me give you my cell phone number."

"Christ alfuckingmighty. Uh, okay. Go ahead."

"Blah blah cell number... and tell them TERRIBLE THINGS will happen if they are bad! Tell them you'll tell me!"

"I think we'll be okay, but..."

"You can tell them that now, that they better behave."

*silence*

"Uhh... okay. I'm really trying to get them goi--"

"Because I told them that they need to be good!"

"Mm-hm."

"And I'll take points away! Make them fill out those sheets and grade themselves on their behavior, that will get their attention!"

"Yes, I see that on your plans. I'll take care of it."

"Okay, so you are going to break them into teams now?"

"Yes. I'm trying to get started on tha--"

"And you have all the worksheets?"

"Yes. I have everything I need."

"Okay, tell them they better be good!"

"They're being fine. I'm going to continue with class now."

"Okay, thanks! Call me if you need anything or if there are any problems, okay?"

"Yes."

"Anything at all, or if they are misbehaving!"

"I will, thank you."

"Because they know I will take points!"

"Okay."

"Okay, good luck."

"Thank you."

"Okay, have a good day! Thanks!"

"Yep."

"Okay, bye!"

"Goodbye."

(At which point I commence leading the students into their next activity, as they've been waiting for me to finish a damn phone call for four minutes.)

Fast forward to twenty minutes before the end of the school day... this woman saunters into the classroom and exclaims, "Hi, guuuuys!" She proceeds to kneel down with the kids working in groups, asks them how things are going, and starts teaching without so much as a nod in my direction. I say, "Excuse me? Nelly? Can you come talk to me for a second?" She gives me the old "one second" index finger and says she'll be-right-there-hang-on. Reining in my utter, gasping disbelief (and with as much haste as possible before something shiny distracts her), I try to explain what she should know about the day. I throw in a dripping, "So are you... are you taking over now? Am I leaving?"

"Oh yeah, you can go -- ha ha! Go ahead!"

What in the hell, crazy lady? Who are you and who in the name of Baby Jesus handed you children to influence?